Lost on the way to the loony bin somewhere between Los Angeles and New York, this outcast madman sat at the airport awaiting his delayed connection. The gods of traveling must have had it in for me that day. As I sat there listening to the white kid with dreadlocks and all the rasta gear one can find on the internet these days doing his best rendition of a Jamaican accent into his cellphone, I hear this awful shriek. I hear it again. And again and it is getting louder. It sounds something like "EEEAAAAIII" and gets very soprano at the end. I turn away from the wannabe rasta man from Nebraska and see one of those airport golf carts slowly going by as the driver screams "EEEAAAAIIII," apparently the siren that makes the sound of a truck in reverse is broken and this brilliant individual feels the need to improvise. In the back of this golf cart, which usually seems to transport the elderly to their connecting flights, are three obese women chatting to one another completely oblivious to what is happening. The whole airport came to a silence and time stopped as this man squealing drove by. Ed Hammerhand eventually made it on the plane and proceeded to push the flight attendant button in dire need of a beer before the plane even took off. Many buttons pushed and many $7 beers in a can (unfortunately Delta does not provide koozies, I asked) later the cart came by with food. My $15 salad had two leaves of lettuce and something that kinda looked like but definitely did not taste like chicken on top. When I told the flight attendant that this was bullshit and I wanted my moneys worth, I was told sorry. For a man on his way to the psychiatric ward this turned into a heated argument in which the other flight attendants came over and eventually I was shut up with a box of Pringles. I will not even get into the $6 movies. Traveling now has become a great American pastime equal with going to the movies and attending a sporting event, you get raped in the ass and you are expected to smile and say please and thank you in the process. This somehow doesn't seem right to me, but, ahh, I suppose that is why everyone thinks I'm the crazy one. At times I wish I could sit in my padded cell here in this loony bin and look out the window smoking cigarettes all day for the rest of my life.
2/22/09
Sports Talk Radio Live From The Psychiatric Ward With Your Favorite Madman Ed Hammerhand
So, yes, A-Rod (and the rest of baseball) used steroids. Is it really that big a surprise? Does it really matter? America loves its sports and for many the local sports team is all they got in their lives, it is their only escape, their only bit of hope, sports have become the modern day religion, along with the Walmart super center, 1000 cable channels and frozen food that comes in a bag pop it in a machine and zap it on high for two minutes 30 seconds and dinner is served. It might seem to some that most things American these days are on steroids. We have put these men in the spotlight, worshipped them, turned an industry in which these men used to have jobs in the off season to make ends meet into a billion dollar marketing machine. When 10 extra home runs a year means a million dollars, why not take that juice (one of my favorite scenes in The Wrestler is when The Ram is buying all his steroids from that monster of a man in the locker room). And let's stop here for a minute, and rewind before we get ahead of ourselves. Steroids do not make you a better athlete. Hitting a baseball is one of the hardest things to do in sports. I played college baseball and hitting a home run is one of the greatest feelings in the world, but with that said, if you fail 7 out of 10 times you are a hall of famer. A-Rod is one of the greatest natural talents I have seen in my short existence. If steroids and big muscles were what made you great, then half of New Jersey and all of Staten Island and Long Island would be in the majors....and batting fifth playing left field Franky "The Golden Guido" Biceps. America, stop putting the blame on the players, and perhaps focus on the higher powers (Bud Selig) that allows this rampant drug abuse to occur. Selig is the one killing baseball. And for anyone who wants to talk about steroids and how bad a drug they are, I hope you are vegetarian and don't want to talk about all of the drugs we put in our animals, aka the steroids in your steaks and Double-Double (thanks LA, great fucking burger!). More soon from your favorite madman Ed Hammerhand once the nurses unlock my padded cell....
